Almost 1 year ..

Well this is torture. I feel so empty, so lost. It's like I'm wandering off in this world alone. Everything doesn't feel right without you. You were my motivation, my motivation to not give up on life and keep moving forward. Honestly things aren't right without you! I need you to be by my side but your not. I live everyday dreading that you're gone and will never come back. I guess that I have to deal with it because its a part of life. My mom is devastated that your gone, that you're not by her side or even giving her advice like you used to when she was younger or even correcting her when you know she did something wrong. Times are tough and i'll accept it but for now I'm learning to accept not having you with me. I remember the good times we had when you were in New York and the whole family went to go visit you, I didn't know we had such a big family until we were in your house and the place was crowded, and that was only half of us. Oh man I remember when we would be watching TV but listening to music at the same time just talking and laughing together all happy, crazy family huh? Yup I know but think about it that's what makes us unique. There's not a single day that goes by when I don't think about you. My mom still has your grey sweater that says your name on the back, I feel like when she has it on she misses you more remembering it was yours. Sometimes I ask myself "why?" Why do the people we love the most and care about the most have to go? But then I remember its reality, things like this are meant to happen someday and we never know when our time is up, we never know what can happen tomorrow, god can really surprise us sometimes but I guess your time was up and it was your time to go. I guess that's why people say "live your life to the fullest because you're living today but tomorrow is never promised" but hey you lived a long 85 years and your birthday is on February 15th, I remember the little things, I remember I was 9 years old when I first met you. I remember my mom always talking about you and me dying to meet you, I would always ask my mom when was I going to meet you and she said soon, but little did I know soon meant tomorrow, I was happy to meet you but when I looked at you and then looked at my mom and looked at my uncle I was like WOAH you guys all look alike. My mom has the same nose as you and so does my uncle and aunt. You were a true blessing to our family and still are, I love you till eternity Alejandro Fortuna..


                                                                                               Love,
                                                                                               Your lovely granddaughter
                                                                                               Karina Castillo <3

My other half

Have you ever had a friend that is always there for you even though you're being a jerk to them... I'm not talking about just a friend that says "I’ll always be here for you" and never is, or is SOMETIMES there for you. No, I’m talking about a best friend not just any best friend or the ordinary best friend Nope, my best friend is different, and she’s unique, very beautiful. She is a person I can tell pretty much everything to and not be judged. I love having her around. When she’s with me I forget about everything and everyone else. Everything really doesn't matter when you have such an amazing person like her by your side. All the dark days and nights she’s always my sunshine and always brightens up my day when my day is gloomy. She gives me inspiration to move on. A unique soul set to be free in this confusing world. I'm scared. Scared that one day she'll really need me and I won’t be able to be there for her. Our friendship so far means a lot to me, it’s crazy how you can meet someone and become so close to them. It’s our job to make sure we're not feeling some type of way or sad or even depressed. You are a very special person... my friend, my sister, my partner in crime. I think you get the point. I never thought I’d find someone I can connect to, someone I can actually have a heart to heart conversation with and no matter what I say or do I’ll never be judged at all. A person I look forward to seeing every morning. I love being your best friend, our friendship is beautiful and I know for a fact I won’t let anybody ruin it. I love you Jennifer Selena Rodriguez.

So normally I would know what to write but this time I'm just going to let my mind wander off a little bit... I've been gong through some rough time these past 2 months and its been really hard. Feeling alone in this world is not a good feeling at all and especially when you know you have friends but its like who can you trust now a days? Now a days people are so fake. I just try to keep in my own space and I try not to bother or talk to a lot of people because people have your backs now but you never know what can happen tomorrow. Honestly I don't care if I'm alone in this world, I can be independent and do my own thing, things changed a lot this year and I am noticing it slowly and people are not the same and it hurts because the people who I used to be close with and hang out with every single day I no longer associate with but that's just the way life is I guess. When you feel empty inside, who do you run to? When you feel alone and hurt inside, what's your escape? Well, I have no escape.. I feel empty, hurt, betrayed, melancholy, and I have no one to run to. Yeah there's people who say that they'll always be there for you but honestly you know that won't last a long time. You know that sooner or later they'll turn their backs on you and make you feel so alone that you know you have nobody to run to. That's what's happening with me and it sucks. I don't usually like talking about my problems to no one because either they judge you or just wanna listen to everything you've been through and just be nosy. I rather write it all out and just get it out instead of talking to someone, it helps sometimes but at times you know that sooner or later writing is going to get old. You know that you need a friend, that you need someone's shoulder to always be there whenever you're feeling sad and want to cry your eyes out, that you want a friend to actually tell you "Hey don't worry, everything will be okay I promise" but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Well at least not for me I don't think. I got it bad. But think about it this way, there's people that got it way worse than me right now and that are just at the edge and don't know what to do and are just about to give up. I know that giving up is the wrong thing to do because I didn't make it this far for nothing and deep down I know that things will get better but right now? I just don't know. Everyone always tells me "keep your head up Karina, stay positive and everything will be fine" but really they have no clue what's going on in my life right now or what I've been through, I've tried staying positive and keeping my head up but IT'S SO HARD! I wonder if my life is going to get better soon... Let's just wait and see.

My Exhibition!!

I'm so nervous and excited at the same time for my exhibition. I hope I do good and that I pass. I'm REALLY looking forward to my senior year. I know I have a lot of great things ahead of me this up coming year and that I will continue to do good. As I'm sitting here writing this blog entry the nerves are kicking in and I'm sitting here telling Kiara that I am starting to get nervous. I wasn't nervous when I came here but now I'm nervous. I just feel weird, it's lunch time and I'm sitting here wondering if I should go eat or not. I don't even feel hunger I just feel numb. Well this is like a little reflection on how I'm feeling before my exhibition. I hope I do good :)

Kiara Almonte

This girl has been by my side since day one. I've been knowing Kiara for about 7 years now and our friendship is still going strong. Kiara is 18 years old, she graduated recently from classical high school, and I'm so proud of her. Kiara has been through some struggles but we've got through it together. Kiara knows ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING about me. She's a person that knows how to bring my mood up whenever I'm down and she's a funny person. Even after everything she's been through she still manages to keep a smile on her face. I love Kiara very very much. That's like my big sister. I call her mom "Tia" and her family loves me :) Kiara is a strong strong girl. She shows me what it is to be strong and keep your guards up because in this world you can't trust people. Well I have so much to say but I'm just going to leave it there. I love you Kiara :)

BEST POEM THAT RELATES EXACTLY TO ME...

http://www.bestteenpoems.com/poem/grandpa-im-missing-you

My Brother

Wesley Joel Reyes... My 10 year old brother. This little boy is so smart, he knows a little about everything. My brother is learning a lot in school and I'm very proud of him he's growing up fast. He is in the 5th grade and he's one of the few people in his class that are actually very smart. I love my brother so much with all my heart. I would kill for him, whenever I need him he's there even though he's only 10 he's still my diary. I tell my brother almost everyday. We fight like cat & dog but we still get through the day and we still love each other. There was a day that I thought my brother was going to die on me. When we were at Roger Williams park and my brother was playing with other little kids and I was walking around the park with my mom and my mom's friend, my brother was going on the slide and he slipped and he fell and hit his head on the edge of the stairs and it slid open, the only way I saw him get hurt was because some little kid said "OMG he's bleeding" and I heard my brother crying so I ran towards him and I didn't know what to do so I yelled as loud as I could to my mom and she came running in tears because he was covered in blood, my brother was crying because I was crying and my mom was crying and he was bleeding a lot not because he was in pain because he couldn't feel the horrible accident that happened. Every time I think about it I get goose bumps because the thought of almost loosing my brother that day doesn't seem to suet me. My brother can be annoying sometimes.. Okay maybe most of the time but I still love him and he will always be like my sidekick.   

My feelings?

I swear sometimes I just want to be left alone... Today was not my day. I swear everyday is not my day, well that's not true but yeah anyways... When I have cramps I don't want to talk to anybody and I just want to stay in bed and cry. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way because of school. I really wanted to get some work done but this pain really wasn't letting me and my head hurt so bad I really didn't want anybody to bother me & on top of that my phone stopped working! OH HECK NO, I wasn't having it. Today's just one of those days I didn't wanna be bothered and I guess that's the way it is sometimes. I don't like feeling like this but hey what can I do? I'm so bipolar sometimes I swear it's not normal... Don't really know why I'm writing this but I guess my feelings need to be heard and writing them down helps, SOMETIMES...

What a beautiful sunny day...

I love this weather. It puts me in the greatest mood ever. I don't know why but I feel like my feelings are based on the weather I swear. When it's rainy outside my mood changes and I start feeling down and unhappy, when it's bright and sunny outside I get in a good mood and I just feel better with a lot of energy. Like for example today is a good day because I'm in such a good mood because of the weather. I don't know if that's normal but hey it works with me. I came into school with a smile on my face which is weird because I'm soo over school already. I really want school to end already and I want my summer to start. I know that my mindset right now is in summer mode & it's NO WHERE near school. There's a lot of people today that invited me to the beach instead of going to school and as much as I wanted to go I knew deep down that it wasn't the right choice for me. I still have a lot of work to do for my exhibition because I want to do a good exhibition since it's my last exhibition for my junior year. I know that if I was another girl and didn't care about school I would've gone to the beach with my friends instead of coming to school but as crazy as it sounds I actually care about school. I feel like a good person right now I don't know what it is but I'm just in a really good mood. I hope nobody tries to ruin my day because i'll be upset. Sometimes when I'm in a good mood people just love making me mad and try to ruin my day but I won't let them! I'm on a good path and almost at the finish line, I know I can be successful and I know I can make it far. I have faith in myself and so far I'm proud of myself. I feel good when I get my work done and I'm going to continue doing good because I know Erica is proud of me too :)

April 26th 2013

 These pictures were when I was embellishing the dress for Sashalee's fashion show, right there my mentor told me to try on the dress because we did a few things to the dress so it wont look that plain. it was a tight navy blue dress, short & strapless and what we did was that we added a piece of cloth to the end of the dress to make it like a tail. It took a while trying to figure out what to do on the dress but I got it done. I personally wanted to add the tail on the dress because most of the dresses that girls are using now a days are short in the front and long in the back so that gave me the idea to add the tail so it can be short in the front and long in the back. I like how the dress came out but at first as you can see in the second picture the dress has like a bow in the top middle part and it has three green ribbons two on each side and then one in the middle underneath the silver bow. I tried on the dress like that and then looked at myself in the mirror and just started thinking to myself "How would that dress look on me when I'm on the runway?" then I asked myself "Do I really like the dress the way I designed it?" I had a moment to think about it and then I just thought why not just take the three green ribbons off and just leave the silver bow. That's exactly what I did and I love how it  came out.

So this bottom picture was taken after the fashion show. When everything was all done and when I finally went home. I was so tired after I went home from the fashion show. The show was a success. At first I was so nervous because I never modeled before so that was my first time modeling. I did good. I love how everything came out because in my head how it pictured it to be it was totally different from how it really was. Let's just say it was better than what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a disaster and that someone was going to fall because I remember hearing that a girl fell at the last fashion show but I had faith that everybody was going to do a good job and that everything was going to come out good. Me and Pircilla were the first ones to model so you know we were nervous. She went first and then it was my turn. Once I was up there I thought to myself "Everything is going to be okay Karina, you are going to do good" and of coarse I was right. Everybody was nervous but the most important thing was that we all did a good job and got it over and done with. I also had lots of fun modeling, I didn't know that modeling was that fun. If someone would have a fashion show I sure would love to be in it again. It was a good experience...

Depression...

I think I've really gotten to the point in life that every little thing bothers me. I have depression. now when I say I have depression I don't mean I have depression to the point where I'm going to try and kill myself NO, I'm smarter than that. I mean like to the days being good but me feeling some type of way. I feel like I'm always down and it's eating me inside. To no one to talk to. Feeling alone and confused. Why am I like this? I ask myself that question all the time. who knows... I really need out on this feeling, this is really not like me. One thing I think that leads me to this so called "depression" is my dad. He's my everything, even after him not being there for me throughout most of my life but he's still my dad and I can't hate him but I can forgive him even though it doesn't feel right. One thing I wont do is forget everything he's put me through that's just something I don't plan on ever forgetting even if I have to. I've been wanting to cry everyday but I hold it in and I know that's bad. Sometimes I tend to run away from all my emotions and problems but I cant run forever right? I just want all of this to stop. I'm the type of girl that would act like nothings wrong when really I'm falling to pieces. There's only so much I can take and I'm afraid that one day im going to reach my limit and I'm going to blow up, maybe even on the wrong person and I don't want that to happen. Sad songs really break me. As crazy as it sounds but I know everybody has those moments that when they hear a sad song they start to think when things went wrong and when they were going through struggles and they just have a break down. I'm a very strong girl but sometimes I break, sometimes more than others. Sometimes in school you can tell something's wrong with me and people would ask "Karina whats wrong?" and I would just say "Nothing im fine". One day I broke down was Friday... I was supposed to go to school but I didn't, Erica was worried. I was in bed all day crying wondering whats wrong with me but not really knowing the answer. I felt so alone and like if I had no one to talk to and open up to so I stayed in bed crying myself back to sleep. Sometimes people ask you whats wrong but they just wanna be nosey they don't really care what you gotta say and that's my problem I really don't like opening up to NOBODY. I rather just keep things to myself but it hurts me bad when I do so I honestly don't know what to do. I want to know whats wrong with me but there's just so many things bothering me. I'm like a little baby, everything bothers me, and every time there's a problem I always overthink too much and I make it worse than what it really was to begin with. I've been through so much that I know for sure that another young girl would definatley not be able to handle it. Sometimes I think to my self, "you're a lucky girl because you have a loving family that cares about you a lot and wants to see you do good in life" it's just that I have my days where I start to think everything is going wrong for me and I start thinking about everything that ever happened to me in the past. I hope that soon I can be the happy Karina that I was before. Because of the way I've been feeling lately it's been affecting me in school and how I am with people and that's not a good thing because there's not that many days left of school and I need to finish strong for myself. I want to do good I want to be successful and be someone in the future and make not only my mom and teachers proud but make myself proud. I'm trying to do better because I know this is not like me to be this way but I guess im reaching my limit...

My Daddy :)

Ramon Antonio Castillo <3 My blood, my daddy. Oh man I have a lot to say about this man. It hasn't been really easy dealing with my father. After everything I've been through with my dad I still love him and I still miss him every second of everyday. He lives in Ohio with his wife and his kid. I really miss my dad. There are times where I get depressed because of my dad and how I just miss him and would do anything to be by his side. Words can't explain the sad moments I have because of him. When ever I talk to my dad I start to cry because everyday I realize how much I need my dad by my side. Its not the same having my mom doing both jobs a moms role and a dads role. I've been missing my dad basically my whole life. I've forgiven him for everything he's done because I can never hold a grudge on my dad. I am and always will remain Daddy's little girl. My dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him that I wanted a iPhone 5 so he said that he will give that to me. I hope he sticks to his word. Hopefully he will come to providence this summer and hopefully I get to spend time with him and that we go to water parks and go out for ice cream and do stuff that fathers and daughters do. I need that father figure back in my life. I miss taking pictures with my dad spending time with him. When other people talk about their dads and say how much they love them and how they spend so much time together it makes me very sad. I wish I can say the same but unfortunately I can't. I can't believe that even writing this is making me wanna cry. Whenever I start to cry near my mom she knows it's about my dad and she starts telling me how I shouldn't waste my tears on him because hes not worth it because he hasn't really been there throughout my 16 years but I still care and love him because he's still my dad and nobody can take his place EVER. I hope that one day he can stay by my side and not leave me again because that really hurts. I'll forever love my daddy.

Sashalee

Sashalee Martinez ~ Me and Sasha became close right away since freshman year. We became so close that we told everybody that we were cousins and everybody believed us. Sashalee is a really good friend. I remember always going to Sasha's house & sleeping over. We would stay up watching movies and laughing and talking. Good times very good times. Sasha's mom Belkis Martinez is my aunt. Well she's not really my aunt but I've been calling her aunt ever since I met Sasha freshman year. I always call her Tia. I love her. Me and Sasha have some good memories. Sasha changed alot but in a good way. Sasha has always been on task with all her school work and is always a good motivation to others. Sasha is very organized and is doing a lot right now for a junior. Sashalee had a fashion show April 26 and I was one of the models in the fashion show. It was so much fun and a good experience because I've never modeled before. Sasha is a person that you want to hang out with. Till this day Sasha still remains to be like family to me. I honestly don't see her as a friend I see her as family <3 Sasha is a humble person and that's what makes her Sasha :)

...

So I started drivers Ed yesterday. I take drivers Ed with Katherine and Heidy. I thought drivers Ed was going to be boring BUT it was actually fun. at first Jody got there a little late but when she came she set some rules for us and she talked to us about having our phones out that if she catches us with our phones that she will have our phones until the last day of class which is the day that we take our permits test and that our parents have to come in and pick them up. when she told everybody that everybody was surprised and my first thought was "my phone can stay in my bag the whole day I am not taking it out so I can get it taken away" she even told us to put our phones on silent or vibrate and we get a brake like at 5 so we can use it then. She started talking to us about how drivers Ed goes and about the test and how many people have failed it so far. A little later she made all of us get up and get in one straight line and we had to get in order from youngest to oldest by birthdays, first the year then the month and then the day. It was a little hard at first. she said that we couldn't talk that we can only use our fingers and that if we all get it right that she would buy us pizza Friday BUT there was one kid that was in the wrong place and he specifically knew it was from youngest to oldest so he ruined it for us... It was fun while it lasted but the main reason why Jody made us do that was because when we are driving we can’t just pull down the window and yell at the other person we have to learn how to communicate by using our hand movements. After we had to get into a group and read a packet and then we had to discuss it between the group and what it means. I had no idea that when we were finished that we were going to get a quiz on it :-( we had a quiz based on what we read, I don't like taking quizzes that's why I'm at the met duh. But after we were done taking the quiz she then reviewed the answers with us to know what each question meant. I had fun in drivers Ed we got out at 7 and went home :-)

Auto-Bio

My life has gotten way better. My little cousin who was in the hospital for 1 month finally got out and he's more healthy now. My cousin (his dad) is supposed to give him alot of food and give him good vitamins and calcium. The doctor gave him a new asthma pump because his asthma was really bad. They have to give him his pump one in the morning and another one at night before bedtime because if not then he'll start breathing heavy. After he got out of the hospital he was so skinny because in the hospital they couldn't give him food because he was coughing too much so they thought that if he eats he can choke on the food. I'm so happy that he's out of the hospital because now I can spend more time with him especially when his mom is coming to live with us this summer. They live in New York so I don't get to see them very often. I feel like this summer is going to be fun because they're going to live with us and because my birthday's on July 2nd :) I know I will be having lots of fun this summer and will try my best to enjoy it. I'm just excited to spend way more time with my family and friends and just have a blast...

My life ...

I'm not perfect, I'm just an average girl who's trying to have a good future. Right now I know I'm going through a lot. I let the little things bother me & I know that's bad. I've been having a rough time dealing with things, I tend to keep things bottled up & not let it out. That's why I cry to myself in my room. When I come home I go straight to my room, I isolate myself from my family without even noticing it, it's a bad habit. I'm insecure & a little hard to handle sometimes :-[ there are ups & downs in life & there were points in life where I thought were really bad. But guess what? I got right back up and got my life moving again, I honestly think that people need motivation in their lives to move forward, for example my mom is my motivation. She motivates me to get up early in the morning & get ready for school, she inspires me to do good in school and to keep moving forward. She makes me look at the positives in life & gives me a lot of advice. Whenever I'm down and my mom sees me she first wonders whats wrong with me, then she just looks at me until I notice that shes looking at me and she asks what's wrong and sometimes I just be like "oh nothing" and she can always tell when something is wrong. I'm always trying to hide my feelings and emotion from people because I feel like nobody needs to know my problems because they cant help me... I just keep things to myself and not tell anybody. I know that's bad because you have to let things out but sometimes I feel like nobody wants to listen to what I have to say so why bother even saying anything. some people wanna just know or seem interested to know whats wrong just to have something to talk about. sometimes the people asking you ''whats wrong'' don't even care whats wrong they just wanna be nosy and wanna be in your business and I don't like that so I just maintain to myself... I don't like when people ask me whats wrong because then it hits me, I start feeling more down & that's when I brake down crying. I don't like when people see me crying because I feel like their gonna judge me or be like damn this girl is always crying or this girl is always depressed. I don't like having people talk about me like that. Especially when nobody knows what i'm going through. i hope things get better.