Depression...

I think I've really gotten to the point in life that every little thing bothers me. I have depression. now when I say I have depression I don't mean I have depression to the point where I'm going to try and kill myself NO, I'm smarter than that. I mean like to the days being good but me feeling some type of way. I feel like I'm always down and it's eating me inside. To no one to talk to. Feeling alone and confused. Why am I like this? I ask myself that question all the time. who knows... I really need out on this feeling, this is really not like me. One thing I think that leads me to this so called "depression" is my dad. He's my everything, even after him not being there for me throughout most of my life but he's still my dad and I can't hate him but I can forgive him even though it doesn't feel right. One thing I wont do is forget everything he's put me through that's just something I don't plan on ever forgetting even if I have to. I've been wanting to cry everyday but I hold it in and I know that's bad. Sometimes I tend to run away from all my emotions and problems but I cant run forever right? I just want all of this to stop. I'm the type of girl that would act like nothings wrong when really I'm falling to pieces. There's only so much I can take and I'm afraid that one day im going to reach my limit and I'm going to blow up, maybe even on the wrong person and I don't want that to happen. Sad songs really break me. As crazy as it sounds but I know everybody has those moments that when they hear a sad song they start to think when things went wrong and when they were going through struggles and they just have a break down. I'm a very strong girl but sometimes I break, sometimes more than others. Sometimes in school you can tell something's wrong with me and people would ask "Karina whats wrong?" and I would just say "Nothing im fine". One day I broke down was Friday... I was supposed to go to school but I didn't, Erica was worried. I was in bed all day crying wondering whats wrong with me but not really knowing the answer. I felt so alone and like if I had no one to talk to and open up to so I stayed in bed crying myself back to sleep. Sometimes people ask you whats wrong but they just wanna be nosey they don't really care what you gotta say and that's my problem I really don't like opening up to NOBODY. I rather just keep things to myself but it hurts me bad when I do so I honestly don't know what to do. I want to know whats wrong with me but there's just so many things bothering me. I'm like a little baby, everything bothers me, and every time there's a problem I always overthink too much and I make it worse than what it really was to begin with. I've been through so much that I know for sure that another young girl would definatley not be able to handle it. Sometimes I think to my self, "you're a lucky girl because you have a loving family that cares about you a lot and wants to see you do good in life" it's just that I have my days where I start to think everything is going wrong for me and I start thinking about everything that ever happened to me in the past. I hope that soon I can be the happy Karina that I was before. Because of the way I've been feeling lately it's been affecting me in school and how I am with people and that's not a good thing because there's not that many days left of school and I need to finish strong for myself. I want to do good I want to be successful and be someone in the future and make not only my mom and teachers proud but make myself proud. I'm trying to do better because I know this is not like me to be this way but I guess im reaching my limit...